Aftershock: How to move on after a divorce
Wow so you didn't just have a mini breakup. Your about to have a breakdown. Your companion is gone. Your best friend is gone. Your lover is gone. But you and possibly some of your kids are still standing. This isn't just breakup central, this is the E.T, the golliath, and the juggernaut of breakups.divorce A little ice cream, and a trip to the cinema isn't going to do a merlin on this one. Here is what will. You are allowed to grieve. Allowed to sob and curl into your mattress delving into old memories, your allowed to complain...to the friends that will pick up your calls. More importantly your allowed to forgive yourself the mistakes that keep going round in your head right now. Could it have worked if you had done A, B, C, or D. Could things have been different, you're still battling the feelings of loss, and for some of you, the attraction you still have for your ex partner. When he comes over to see the kids, and you get a whiff of that aftershave, the new hair cut, that makes you question if there's someone new in his life. That's not your concern. Your concern is, immediate damage control. You need to begin reconnecting when your ready, if you sulk too long, you'll sink into a deep depression, if you go out on the town and decide to go on the pull, will you respect yourself after all those bottles of cider, and wiping the runny mascara that's kissing your cheekbones.
Make a list of everything you want to do, see, everything you wanted to enjoy before you and your ex partner became the terrible twosome. What did you like about yourself, this independant you, what did she want to explore, did she want to travel,are there friends you've lost contact with, that always lit your face up like a bulb. This is a hope list so you dont feel hopeless. If you find yourself conflicted between your attraction for an ex partner and your plans of moving forward, just remember the reasons you chose to separate. A house divided cannot stand. If it doesn't work unless the other person is willing to compromise, you cannot make it work. If you went into a relationship thinking you wanted one thing, and then from your experience with your ex partner realising you wanted something completely different, you would be punishing yourself and him for trying to force fix things. Do things that you loved to do but may have stopped because your ex partner didn't find them attractive. Start going to the gym and training regularly, a healthy body, works towards a healthy mindset. Give yourself a makeover, revamp the house, redecorate your bedroom. You are heading into unchartered territory, you are ready to explore the new you. Meet up with some friends, not frenemies, real friends. If you need to speak to someone because the experience may have been traumatic then do so. A therapist can make a world of difference, or joining a group of women that have been through what you have been through.
Read as often as you can. Your self esteem may have taken a knock...it depends on who you are. Motivational books, inspirational thinking, find positive ways to validate yourself through hobbies or projects you were once passionate about. Take it one step at a time. There will be days you'll feel incredibly amazing, like you've moved on, and are progressing quickly. Then valentines day appears, and you wonder why you've still got a double bed and not a single. Or someone says they bumped into him somewhere, or he called them, even better they think they saw him with someone. Maybe even more tv moment you bump into him somewhere, or he visits and your lured into the intimacy of the moment. Just remember why things didn't work out in the first place. When your ready to start dating again, decide to take things slow, let them get to know your kids in time, and the other members of your family. Right now though....it's all about you. Your healing, your growth, and rebuilding the trust and faith you felt you lost.