Fallen Forgiveness: Why sometimes it's hard to let things slide



image by denizaybar

Yesterday, and today i thought about the irony of life. Of feeling lost alone and completely vulnerable. Almost two or three years ago i wrote a note out of the kindness of my heart to someone, it was done with the innocence you have when your still naieve and deluded about the sainthood of people. I thought he was a nice person. For years despite making me the object of ridicule, for almost two or three years out of a jealousy and a loathing that came from somewhere, standing by as i was targeted and harassed by family. Soon enough he began to spread malicious rumours about me throughout the neighbourhood, getting frustrated every time another man called me or went near me, whenever i was seen happy with someone, and before long he dragged other people into this warped obsession. From being called the ugly one, a slag, a slut, a whore, the African myth of fear, the family embarassment. Today i thought about how much was in my account, i had enough money to buy rope, i had enough money to hang myself. I wrote a note to my mother apologising for being so weak, i thought about where i'd do it, in a park with an oak tree where the branch was strong. It had become too much. I was tired of the abuse because i had written a note to a guy who was completely fucked up. As i stepped out unto the street, the family round the corner who were endorsed by his and his mothers obsession began screaming out of the windows as i stepped out unto the street, slut, whore, slag, when i told family i was often told it was in my head or the paranoid side effects of the epilepsy Medications i was on. When the insults were clearly loud enough to hear. This all began with one letter. It happened daily despite his mother who suffered from her own mental health problems, confessing to wanting some 'lesbian experience' with me, and was convinced that if she broke my spirit enough i would be susceptible to the charms she didn't actually have. Each day as i struggled with my own depression, determined yet eager to pick myself up, i was called the ugly dark skinned one, his mother would say " she's the one with problems" whilst his sister obsessed and jealous beyond contempt would request to follow me wherever i went.

Till the day i die i will hate these people they stand for nothing. Growing up i was told that if you were nice to people they would be nice to you back. His mother specialised in spells and Witchcraft, telling a series of lies, from the fact i was an ex prostitute looking for work, to a whole series of lies. This woman was so obsessed with me, it became truly bizarre, fairness rules equality. I realised i refused to be treated less than because my sister was the light skinned one and i was the dark skinned one. From being called the Epileptic monkey, hearing his family laugh about an epileptic seizure i had, and consistently hearing the statement "these are rumours  and accusations." I thought about the concept of fair, all this started because i was kind enough to write a note to a guy who i saw had no self esteem. As i regularly worked on projects, and eagerly tried to move forward, despite a sheer loathing for him as a man and everything he stood for, it became clear to me this guy had more troubles of his own. He would consistently shout the words " I made a mistake!!"  As though ruining someone's family life is a mistake like spilling milk on the floor, pouring sauce on someone's clothes, accidentally ripping an item of clothing. His mother would consistently announce to others that i made her feel inadequate. I believe she felt inadequate because of all the disgusting things she'd done to people. At one point him and his mother not knowing i could hear this strategically attempted to get me sectioned so they could have access to my brothers network and connections. On the surface they appeared normal beneath the surface they were a mess. They'd often say loud enough that an ex best friend had died, knowing i missed her at times. The family they had involved had eyes on our property. I was constantly pointed at by a neighbourhood bully whose obsession was to shout "That girl pisses people off because...." i'd never had a real conversation with this guy in my life. The only conversation i remember was one where he asked me if i liked harrods. During a group session i remember he had walked with me asking a series of personal questions, taken aback, i politely provided info, but kept myself at a distance. I didn't want to get close to any strangers at the time.

I wonder about the fairness of it all. This started simply because of a letter i had written out of the kindness of my heart. I think of an article i wrote a while ago about forgiveness, and i realise there are some people it is extraodinarily hard to forgive almost impossible.For those of you who suffer with the ache of pain, and find it almost impossible to forgive a slight, forgiveness will give you relief, give you healing, yet there are some sins which are hard to forgive. Then i realize, i refuse to buy that rope. Karma is the biggest punisher, their days will come.

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