A crush , a snob , and i?
I don't know which one to harp on and ramble about first. My shy crush, or once again the frustration that his mother is an insecure overzealous pitbull. I wonder if she's one of those women that always envisions the worst that could happen. "What a date? A baby? Relocating to another country?" Seriously man, some people have an imagination to top J.K Rowling.
What i'd really like to discuss is the danger of simply following. Not asking your own questions, drawing your own conclusions. The frustrating thing is he wants to talk to me, but his shyness is overwhelming,along with his guilt. I want to talk to him, but there is mistrust there. How much conversation can you make with a guy whose mum simply whispers, and he's already jumping up and down like he's been electrocuted.It could be my amateur dramatics, and this guy is head over heels in love with some Barbie, and fitting a ring to propose. Yet no matter what the scenario. You knew, in your heart, that your mother is speaking out of her own insecurity, vindictiveness, arrogance, and you simply just go along? I would understand if something cruel was done on my part, vicious, nasty, false, but it wasn't that. Some insecure woman whose terrified of her own shadow, starts feeding you poison through a straw and you suck it with no restraints on? What does any woman say to a man that does that?
We were taught to question things, find our own conclusions, not act immaturely or cruelly. It's funny. All the time he was crossing the street, dramatically disappearing into his house, rolling up his windows, when i said good morning despite being painfully depressed. When i made sure i was always pleasant, always polite.He never thought he'd want to speak to me again.
When 'genuinely nice people decide to emotionally alienate you, their almost naieve about the outcome. They forget that they started something and will have to maintain it? All those negative feelings behaviourisms that they've copied on someone else's instruction,they forget that there will be a time, where you'll stop caring about how nice they were in 1992, 94, 2009, they forget you'll simply think 'How is this person behaving now?' and begin doing some running of your own.In your mind you think it's not the consistency of their behaviour, but that they dared to do it in the first place. They forget how feelings, or emotions creep in. Like a leaking tap, that floods the whole bathroom floor,then slides unto the nearby carpet.
It begins with one day. One day you look great again, your happy on that day, your smiling, and that smile is contagious. Your laughing, and the sound of your laughter rings through their open window. Your walking along the high street and not wearing the dowdy black their used to, but colours that are ripe enough to sting the eye and make the mouth water. All the time i'd built myself up, laughing, joking with other people, he never thought he'd want to be part of that. And those 'good mornings, how are you? How's your day going?' He never thought he'd want to be part of that. Yet something changed.Maybe a guilt that reminded him this person has treated him with nothing but respect. They haven't judged you, they havent patronised you, they haven't been cruel. Or you've been around enough disrespectful people to now appreciate what warmth feels like. To embrace kindness, and respect. Then another reality creeps in, your not the only human being on the planet. Your not the only guy on the planet. There is only a small matter of time to show that person your remix. The version of you that grooves nicer. I would argue that stubborness is a big weakness and it's one of mine. That pretending you can't see someone when you want to talk to them,or get to know them, is the height of ridiculous.I could also defend. What happens when that person does let you in after wronging them, how do they know you wont use their vulnerabilities to make those lacking around you feel more secure? If that person is not there will you take pride in defending them against animosity? Are you strong enough to wether a storm of critics?